Blogging with Angry Vampires!
by When-turtles-strike-back
Summary: So if you were a vampire in the real world what would you think of Twilight. well here's a peek into the blog of one. How does he feel about it. umm he's not a fan. M for language and content. he's a potty mouth


Disclaimer: I do not own twilight, or any other recognizable thing in this story.

**Blogging with Angry Vampires!**

**SUBJECT:** Twilight has ruined my life

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I hate that stupid Twilight book; it has spawned a moronic cult of screaming pubescent fangirls (or worse _boys_). It's retarded, they just go on and on about fucking Edward Cullen and his gleaming glinting glistening glimmering glittery shimmering shiny dazzling luminous radiant sparkly fucking skin. I mean god put down the fucking thesaurus people it's getting kind of ridiculous, we fucking get it, there are lot's of flipping words that mean the same crapping thing we've known this since fucking grade five English and yes the thesaurus is fun to play with but come on find a better way to fill up fucking space. Ooo I'm going to make an entire paragraph out of one fucking word yeah that's great writing. Stupid Stephanie Myers, and her idiot glam rock David Bowie fancying vampires. And Edward come on, I mean the guy is so obviously queer.

"Oh Edward he's so sexy, I wish I had a boyfriend like Edward"

Yeah my cousin had a boyfriend like Edward once… but then she got a restraining order. The guy is freaking abusive, but it's okay that he controls her life and plays mental games cause it's for her own good right. Yeah that's probably what OJ Simpson said, ya know before he "didn't" murder his wife. And Bella, what the fuck is wrong with her, I mean shit, somebody need some fucking therapy, or at least some angry chick rock or something. Those stupid books, when the twilight series fucking came out I bet women's lib. Took a big fucking shit. Think about what those suffragettes would have thought of that twat Bella Swan. Yea I'm sure they got beaten and thrown in prison for that kind of demeaning literature. The girl is mentally ill, and obsessed, to the point of near suicide. Oh well I guess all the obsessive depressing girl shite goes well with her boyfriends creeper stalker tendencies. Hey everybody it's the mental couple. Here in the real world people get arrested for sneaking into somebody's room to stare at them while they sleep, hello serial killer any one.

Fucking Edward Cullen, and idiot Bella is all "Ooo that's sooo romantic, and wow the fact that you've resisted killing me prove that you must love me."

God, her mother must have drunk heavily while preggars with that girl.

Shit, I think Edward Cullen and Stephanie Myers ruined my life, and any other decent self-respecting vampire would say the same thing.

How unrealistic, seriously, it's fucking retarded. I mean Christ, when I was turned I didn't decide to continuously repeat high school over and over and over FOREVER. What kind of insane masochistic fucks are these Cullen brats? I've been to high school and it's not like it's the most funnest happy place in the frakking world, it's not fucking Disney land, its high school and it fucking blows chunks. The only fucking time I've ever heard of a vampire going to high school was to be a pervy creep and hook up with under aged emo sluts… which I totally do not agree with… cough… I mean what… I don't have creepy perv fantasies about under aged emo sluts and their sweet self-destructive blood…

Mmmm… what no I don't… really.

Okay so maybe I'm not a perfect little angle… you try living for hundreds of years in the body of a fucking teenager. After the first ten years of continuously being asked for I.D. and kicked out of bars, see if you don't develop some twists, but seriously I am a fucking VAMPIRE! I'm not flipping mother Theresa or some fucking shit, we're kind of supposed to be evil and shit. You know sacrificing virgins, worshipping Satan, being evil undead and shit… doing evil stuff like breaking stuff, stealing pylons, ketchup packets, scaring baby's… throwing small kittens into very tall trees, and what not. People are supposed to fear us right that's what they did in the old day's, yea fuck that happy idea.

I mean it was bad enough when Ann Rice did it, but at least she made us look kind of good, and not suedo-queer angsty teenagers that "thparkles" (yeah that's a gay lisp, I did it).

Our lives were hard enough to live without having a bunch of screaming adolescent's ready to stalk any pale guy with a Volvo (this is why I drive a Yaris)

I'm so over teenaged girls wearing parka's and mittens in fucking July. Like shit, how cold can you be, it's _July._

My friend, Ethan, thinks I'm freaking out for no reason, he says Twilight chicks are totally easy when it comes to the undead types, but he's one of the creepers that likes to hang around high schools trolling for alternative trend types with decent tit's. Fuck that, I don't want to get my fang on with some tweeny fangirl that will probably text stalk me for like a year, I spend enough money on cell phone technology, and I'm a pay-as-you-go kind of guy.

I need to get a fucking beer… oh wait I live in a country where the drinking age is twenty-one --- why did I make that brilliant relocation. Eternal youth ruined my fucking life.

Ethan say's I'm "bitter", hell I'm not bitter, just pissed off. Somebody should show Stephanie Myers what a real vampire's like. Yeah that's a great plan. I could find her real easy to because it says where she lives on the back of the books. Yeah me and a couple of other guys I know could track her then you know turn her to the other way of thinking… fuck than I'd be stuck with her… FOREVER, well that idea is fucking dropped.

In fact we should make a new vampire law that say's if any fucking retard turns that chick into a fucking immortal than they should get drop kicked in the junk than buried alive for all of eternity.

Man I wish I had fucking super powers. I feel a smidgen cheated (yeah I use the word smidgen you want to make a thing about it). Shit man what a gyp, honestly, when I was human, I admit, I bought into the hype, don't blame me I was just human. I thought "Cool Vampires, speed, strength, mental powers, animal magnetism… x-ray vision and shit". If I were a vampire I'll have hotties just flinging their panties at me, right… WRONG! I got a big fat juicy nothing, _nothing_, and the only girls who go for the deadly pale corpse look are Goths and emo sluts… and the occasional transvestite (hey it was Vegas, I was drunk and he was dressed like a hot Asian school gir… err boy).

Than their the fucktards like Ethan who got fucking everything what the flying shit bats, does that seem fair. Did you know that he can fucking fly, I know that's like so… GAY!. Pfft fucking pansy ass fairy.

TWILIGHT RUINED MY LIFE!!!

And no Ethan it is not gay to keep an online journal, it's what people do now a days I'm assimilating. And no ass hat it's not a diary.

And for the very last time Ethan it was one time and I barely remember it and I swear I thought he was a hot Asian schoolgirl, and than it was to late.

O fuck of Ethan why don't you go fly a kite, or go fly around with a kite, yeah that's real masculine.

I want Edward Cullen to die painfully in the next book or maybe I could just put a story up on fanfiction about him getting pushed into a woodchipper over and over and over and over and over and… oh that sounds just… tasty. Way better than my other way of relieving stress… you know masturbating. To pictures I drew of Edward Cullen getting pushed into a wood chipper over and over and over again.

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Okay so I had a great time writing that, oh a before I get any angry flames seriously I like Twilight I read the series it was great, it's just fun to make fun of stuff I do it all the time with Harry Potter, and Buffy the vampire slayer, and… Miley Cyrus (hey I like Hannah and I don't care cuz you people don't know me and if you do know who I am in real life than you under stand that I'm weak. Weak I say)

Well any who hope you thought that was as fun as I thought it was, seriously I did, I have really low self esteem and I really want to you know make my self feel better so review this pleeeeze because if you don't I may have to you know mope around and be depressed for like a week or something.

And no I'm not just fishing for reviews I really do have low self esteem… stop judging me.


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